It was a reddit feed where men asked each other for life and dating advice, of which my eyes poured in looking for the chisme. Who were these MEN that circle us gals like sharks eager to bite our meat but forgetting there is a soul in this sack of carne. Had they known I followed them, I am sure the men would say, ¨Get you vadge out of here!´ Yet, I loved that forum because it confirmed what I knew; men feel as lost as women and for the same reason: their humanity.
¨Any advice for a nice guy?¨ @ihaveallergies asked. Just by his name I could tell it was not just his sinuses that need Claritin..,. it was his soul.
¨I feel like I’m too nice to this world,¨ he continued. ¨I take care of my family. I take care of my friends and I am so lonely. Even when I go out, I feel like I carry how much I help others and I do not feel funner for it or appreciated. My social life overwhelms me and I wonder if that is why no girl likes me. Do they see I’m tired? Should I stop being nice?¨
Naturally, my bleeding heart opened up. My father loved harming people. There was a rush he received at knowing that he could manipulate people´s mental health against them because he was a king of words and those are powerful; they do not call it spelling for nothing. His words were how, he perceived, he cast spells to cover his crimes: the multiple identities, businesses, and families he would make through the years with plans to selectively abandon and abuse each one. Knowing how evil men can be and how they can use their privilege to cover their darker personality, sometimes, it is easy to forget their humanity, as well, especially because they are the creators of war, genocide, and famine, of which women are the greatest victims of. Nothing like getting killed in a fight you did not start.
The responses were mixed. Some guys thought he was a fool; ranting about loneliness and another modern loser pouring his feelings of existentialism in chats made to encourage people…. not depress them. @dadwarrior gave him the best advice, which was to grow better as a person means to not get trapped in words like, ¨nice.¨ Are you patient? Are you kind? Do you love as much as you wish to be loved? It was quite moving, of which @unlikelytolisten backed him up saying that some people, even if family, do not deserve our niceness, and if you give the best of you to the worst people, eventually you become worse for it. THIS was the harshest lesson my father taught me.
Nobody ever became better for believing or helping my father, which was what was so painful. He was my dad and my abuser, and no matter how hard I tried to separate the two, I could not help but feel either one would take a part of me. If I embraces he was my abuser, I lost that part of me that was his daughter, but if I embraced he was my dad, I ignored the part of me that was his victim. So I stayed nice, and wondered why through the years, even when going to a bar to hang out with friends, my brain still carried his voice telling me, ¨No one will love me.¨