If you met my father, you would say he was ¨nice.´ People, who knew him lightly, received him as a man who was generous with his energy and words. Yet, how long do you really talk to the new person you meet at a party? It was a trait I admired, but felt frustrated by as a genuinely kind person.
What always perplexed me about my dad and I, is that, I, being a genuinely good, human being felt more questioned than him: a pathological liar always scheming to take money or withhold money from someone or the government. My father´s mind might as well have been customs at an airport: always checking for what goods can pass. Yet, he radiated an energy that I, actually, was, and felt frustrated and overwhelmed at how many questions and times I had to earn trust: whereas the liar in front of everyone, at best, just waited to be forgiven if caught. The dynamic made me wish I was as evil as my dad because he felt safer than I did: the good girl with only heart to give and no father to love her. It was a sentiment Mabi shared.
As my fellow sweetheart, we have been canonized by people as extremely generous and kind: often, known for how detailed we are with the ones we love and how little we are ever seen to be angry or negative. Yet, once we unite, the veil drops, and we vent on the frustrations of being deemed ¨kind¨ and ignored by those we have deemed ¨unkind.¨ We are not two women to be silent in front of injustice, especially towards us. Yet, even when we are fighting, it is very hard to shake our calm demeanor, and it makes us upset that we lack explosiveness.
¨I always felt like your fighting style was that of a deer, Diandra,¨ Mabi said nonchalantly. We were walking though Washington Square Park, during her lunch break, and enjoying the unusually warm, winter day in New York.
¨Do explain,¨ I declared with a slight giggle. Mabi is LITERALLY LIBRA CODED. She has 6 planets under that sign: her Sun, Moon, Rising, Mercury, Uranus, and Midheaven. The woman is love and destined to stay it.
¨Your peaceful and diplomatic, but if someone pisses you off, suddenly, you are putting your horns through the front of their car,¨ she continued in her unique way of saying the most random, poetic things that felt oddly accurate to my being.
¨Do you ever resent not being as angry as our families,¨ I asked.
¨All the time,¨ she replied quickly. ¨ I hate that people do not see that I am upset even when I am telling them. I used to think I was not saying it, but now I know I just was ignored. Then, I thought why am I so easy to ignore, and realized, maybe, I am with the wrong people. It is why I do not hang out with my family as much, anymore. How can you love me and not hear me? ¨
To be honest, Mabi´s familial divorce had even given her skin a brighter glow: something I never got until I, officially, let my father go because it is not about kicking people out of your life, as much as seeing why you kept them or let them enter in the first place. Moreover, you cannot keep how they trained you to hate yourself so that you loved them. My dad may have been out of my life, at the time, but I hated me, exactly, how he liked me to, and it did not help that I was still surrounded my family that felt big, even volcanic in their feelings, but insulted if I had a feeling in contrast. In essence, I was still treated as the kindest one to be ignored, but later that night I would have a warmer feeling about that truth, via Everything, Everywhere, All At Once.
There was Michelle Yeoh´s Evelyn… reliving the beauty of Raymond’s heart: played by Key Huy Quan. All my life, I found it strange how much I was attracted to villainous characters, especially ones that had been ostracized from or by their family. It is why I was Team Ursula over Team Ariel. Yet, Quan´s performance was mesmerizing: because it embodied the beauty of being the kind heart, especially if the ones you love are embittered. He was graceful, strong, and strategic with his kindness: using his compassion to protect and elevate his family, even did not see it. Yet, he did something I was not mature enough to do: be shameless about it.
You would think being kind, in the world, would feel great, and lot of times it does. Yet, when you have an abusive father or even just one asshole on the train, for some reason, that wall of sweetness shakes and cracks of doubt come up. In perspective, I see that Waymond held honor with his kinder ways: never judging himself for his tenderness but understanding the people less kind, like his wife, were on their own journeys. I loved that because so much of my life has been, me, trying to explain to the people I love that I love them, how I want them to love me, and how I deserve it. Now, I see I not only need to love new people, I need to love me, this time, while doing it.