Sometimes, I feel like I’m just waiting to have a life or really to feel like it is my own. When you are raised to please everyone, and assume your pleasure, in you, makes you selfish, self-absorbed, and a bad person; life kind of feels like a giant waiting room for the next person to come in for you to please and leave at their pleasure. When I look that left me, they  were so ordinary, for how extraordinary I made their exit. Moreover, their standards of accepting bullshit from others was way higher than for me, and that just triggered my low self-esteem. 

Andrew contemplated staying with a guy who his his anal worms just because they liked sci-fi movies, and, somehow, I just stopped being fun. Lucia wanted a man to pick her, so badly, she ignored that all of them treated her like a vacation: after two weeks its time to go back home. The Producer talked shit about every human being, but really just women,  that helped him in trying to be ¨The Star¨ he swore he did not want to be. The Angelino saw women as his sex toys while he tried to figure out his career, and he was good at neither. Meanwhile, my exes all shared the same qualities of being so self-sabotaging they craved a mental health keeper to just get to them to their destinations, across all emotional ruts, like a spiritual taxi cab. Once the arrived to where they were going, they left me, and I wondered how I got there. 

I was raised to make everyone’s comfort the center of my world, so when they left me, it hurt, even if I did not like them and they preferred sci-fi nerds with anal worms over dinner in my company. It made me feel like I failed to please, but know I realized I failed to get pleased. I never think of my own pleasure, in anything, which only makes their exit hurt more. My identity is strictly constructed by how center the world and, quietly, resent not being able to center me because I was, simply, taught that was immoral. Yet, now, I know better, and that makes me resent me. 

I can sit here and read every person that did not like me filth, but that would do nothing but, oddly, reveal that despite their ordinary or decrepit behavior, I am still the problem, and it kind makes me look bitter, which is never a good look. Moreover, there are people that I let go, Friends that were willing to be closer to me, while I faded them out. Lovers that REALLY wanted a deeper, intimacy with me, but I was raised in a laugh-cry household, which mean we either had fun or fought, and to avoid either isolated, What depth can really be gotten in that dynamic? There were OPPORTUNITIES for better pay and more constancy in my career, but I waited for the boss that loved to take my ideas, to take me. Yet, I admire all of the people that have entered my life because they were all the center of their own world, whether it was the center of their joy or pain…. they were the centers.  

 I have been a fool, and now I don’t know what to do with that beyond grow from it and get my own life. The people that either hurt or loved me were all, strictly, their center, and I want to blame them for not making me theirs, even if, in truth, some of those relationships were quick and not that important as I made them in my head, and that’s the prpoble. You cannot live life in your head, you have to live it in your heart.