Women talk about sex, and we enjoy it, if a man is good. the keyword IF. For a lot of us, we could not explain the rising obsession misogynistic men had with women becoming loose: both sexually and economically. For The Producer, a man who could barely bust a nut unless it was filled with crabs, women has to grow up and accept if they wanted freedom, they had to gain the more pain that came with it. The Angelino was not far in sentiment. For them, life was about the pleasure you receive, not give, and that road was hard for everyone. The strange, uniqueness of their privileged stance, trickled into my head at my weekly, women’s meet.
¨I got The Rose!¨ announced Nina. ¨The Rose!¨ the room audibly announced. For just 23.99 on Amazon Prime you can receive what Josie declared as ¨The Ultimate Orgasm¨ within 10 minutes of its usage. A 2 part master-tech with 7 modes, Nina was describing The Rose like a car dealer would the most lavish vehicle on the lot. She did not have to tell us twice. Within minutes, we had a prime membership, and within days we were all blessed with a new rose in our garden. The naughtiness of the conversation stayed with me because society has the tendency to shape-shift its prejudice over actually shaping up.
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Our women’s group started as an attempt to de-center men in. our lives, especially in terms of sex. We had found the dating world to be a cesspool of male emotions and concepts that never included women´s feelings or thoughts. We were still treated like objects, except this object was overly educated to still be more unemployed and unpaid compared to the man they were dating. Like The Producer or Angeline, men had confused feminism for torture, and a sincere belief that women had to earn the right to have the right to be seen as equal. Thus, we were entering a world that was more prejudice than ever because it thought we were freer. The result was a weird relationship with sex and consent. Should we have one-night stands? Is it okay to start a series of relationships with men that did not fulfill us sexually, but we were determined to wait and see if they could barely do so emotionally? We were confused because our ¨freedom´ was still patriarchal in description.
¨Here I was using my fingers,¨ Gigi announced. With so many Gemini placements and chronic bouts of depression, masturbation had become a life-saver for Gigi, who struggled with finding a medication balance that did not turn her anxiety into sleepiness. ¨It’s like they think the only way I’m less anxious is if I’m unconscious,¨ she said tearfully about her doctors. Thus, touching herself and hitting the gym became physical ways to combat the physicality of her depressions that left her bed-ridden for months: only to reappear as if she had never gone. Yet, that was a testament to our bond as women: one of us could absolutely/ mentally abandon ship and we would pull in a life raft to get her back the minute she was ready. ¨I’m kind of scared I’ve gotten too good at masturbation,¨ she said in blend of pride and a genuine worry that was more shared then what she thought.
¨ I am, too,¨I announced. The patriarchy was right: women were more educated, but it did not realize it was also in terms of ourselves. We were learning about our bodies, our minds, our hearts, and our power, not simply to protect ourselves from men, but to heal ourselves as human beings. When you suffer systemic oppression based on the certain community you were born into, the group often divides between those that scream in rooftops they are angry, others are apathetic, and everyone wonders which gets us a bigger paycheck: shutting down our negative feelings or commodifying them. Yet, it was hard to be so elevated, spiritually, and enter a world that materially sabotaged us. With most of us, in our late 20s, 30, and 40s, we were getting scared that we would end up alone or have to settle for someone lesser than us, and would, probably, spend most of our relationship fleshing out their potential to end in the ashes our own generous unhappiness. In essence, we did not want to be our mothers or John Mulaney´s wife.
¨It is why I am struggling to not be celibate anymore,¨ Nina followed. ¨What is the point of having sex with men that do not even know what is a G-spot? I feel empty and at risk just trying to find someone who KNOWS or, at least, wants to learn.¨ Nina had done a year of not dating or having sex with men to heal from her toxic fiancé and to not resent how her beauty, actually, endangered her in the dating scene. Half- Palestinian/ Half Filipina, the woman was stunning and actually dated Drake. She also had a PHD from Yale in Middle Eastern Affairs and International Politics, which as I write this feels like the perfect educational path for someone with severe anxiety issues. ¨I don´t find anyone that even lets me matter to myself more than I have to make them matter to me. I am their dream girl on paper, but, in real life, they make me their maid or therapist. I’m tired of that shit. I’m just staying alone.´ And just like that, Nina was prepping to re-take her celibacy vow.
¨Gorgeous, sweet, and fiercely intelligent, Nina was pulling an Ava Duvernay, at 36, and prepping to make her directorial debut, all while traveling the world. Yet , she was sentimentally shaken by how her rose had changed her life/ mind. ¨I think The Rose was the first time I had an orgasm and I was ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED! WHAT THE FUCK!¨ It was an emotional vulnerability that would alarm everyone and the Catholic Church: a little piece of machinery was doing more for creation than men of flesh and blood. Honestly, if Nina could be inseminated by The Rose, she would have, and when I look at her ex, it would have been a more present father. ¨Does that make me a bad person? Why do I feel better when I’m alone than with a partner? I fulfill my needs and desires so well in a world with bare minimum men!
¨Fuck it, I´m staying alone, too!´ I yelled. The room burst into laughter, but inside we were wondering.
For some of us, we were willing to stay alone over ill-accompanied, but still dreaming that there was some guy who realized we had a world and life beyond theirs, and, in the same way we were joining theirs, they were joining ours. Meanwhile, the other half of the room were rethinking their boundaries and wondering if they had to lower them even more just to get company. Both sides mutually afraid that, either alone or in marriage/ life partnership, they would always have to keep The Rose to keep pleasure: a misognystic price tag for a dating world that still refused to give importance or precedent to female pleasure.