My father was a bigamist, narcissist (like an actual one!), drug addict, con man, and, in the years to come, I would realize a hood-rat loser.  That being said he was very educated, smart, and handsome, which meant he knew how to cover up all those things until he did not. Moreover, he was just delusional enough to believe, they did not define him and distanced himself, emotionally, as a victim of his choices and not the actual perpetrator of them. This dynamic would both confuse me, as his daughter, and fascinate me as a human being/ his victim. 

My father was verbally, mentally, emotionally, and financially abusive towards me and my mom. Yet, he would never define himself as an abuser or even a villain, despite walking, talking, and acting like that exact duck. In his perspective, he taught me that people do what they want, and whether he was sober or in the enthralls of his addiction, he always chose to hurt me, and though I tried to deny it…. he enjoyed it. From calling me every bullying name under the book to humiliation rituals like taking me to see him buy designer clothes for himself and making me literally beg for school items he would not buy, the irony is he would end the few times we met with: ¨Call me if you need anything!¨ My dad had convinced himself that his cruelty was educative, and that is why he ran through life like a hood-rat in a maze: you cannot educate anyone on virtues you do not have, especially if your lesson tool is malice. The truth is my dad wanted a luxurious life, and that sheer desire he had without any moral compass, made me admire him. 

Sure, my dad did everything to hack my self-esteem from birth, but, as an adult, I realize he was a FANTASTIC manifestor. If there is one thing TikTok is OBSESSED with, it is people teaching people how to manifest and everyone calling their exes narcissists. As the child of a powerful, manifesting narcissist, it is hard not to want to tell everyone, ¨Hey! You guys should really @mydad.¨ I say this not only out of humor and hurt, but a genuine jealousy at never having a nature that could be so morally free.

My dad only focused on what he wanted: never feeling any shame or guilt at the people he needed to destroy to do so. In order to avoid child support, he would shame me and my mom as spoiled. In order to avoid complimenting or even visiting me, he would claim I was a stupid, fat child with a mean streak. He did everything to save the cash and, I guess, car mileage. Meanwhile, my nature was to always feel and desire to be loved by everyone, and he nurtured that quality by giving me a  sincere, existential belief that who I was could never deserve such a thing if I had boundaries or told him stop hurting me with his actions. In essence, he set me up for the world of dating toxic men, while ripping me from the experience of having a good dad. 

My father was a bad human being with very traumatic childhood that convinced him his immoralities were never as bad as that of his own monsters or, at least, were the actions of his demons and not him, at his actual core. Yet, the harm that happens to us, if not watched and healed, becomes that harm we cause to others, whether we want to really do it or not. My dad was his monsters, through and through. Yet his sole focus on getting what he wanted, materially, and committing every scheme to do so assured he would never pay for his sins and never feel the weight of knowing he needed redemption. It was a quality I did not inherit from him, and through the years would make me appease and attract men that shared that with him: a shameless vagabonding nature. This would turn out to be ESPECIALLY dangerous in my artist journey, as well. 

From janky producers to more unpaid checks than Mcdonald´s on this earth, my father got away with his evil by embedding me with the belief I deserve it. This has killed my manifesting journey, which I am reviving and oddly looking at him, for guidance, still. For him, life was never about what you deserve, it is always about what you desire. To want something is enough reason to get it… and he got a lot.